Here’s a Dumb Story #1

*During trying times stories have always served as a small little escape. Nothing serves as a better pick me up than dumb stories. With that in mind, I’m going to start a new thing where I tell some dumb stories about myself (there are quite a few). What better way to get through a pandemic than self-deprecation! Even better, feel free to share your own dumb stories. So without further ado, here’s a dumb story…*

Dumb Story #1: Unique Itch Scratcher 

One night, in high school, I was sitting at the desk in my room pretending to do homework but really just procrastinating. While I was busy working to figure out the best ways to get out of doing work, my leg started to itch. Now, this would not qualify as a dumb story if I did what any normal person would do in a situation where their leg itched: scratch it with my hand. To my right, sitting unused and begging for attention, was my stapler. So, naturally I grabbed the stapler, placed it against my tibia where the itch was, and slightly pressed down. This may be where you think the dumb part of our story happened, but unfortunately for you, it is not. The staple lightly pressed against my skin, protruding ever so slightly from the stapler, and served as a perfect itch scratcher. I then removed the stapler from my leg, the staple receded back into the mouth of the stapler and relief hit me from my perfectly scratched itch. However! My mind now focused on the fact that I could push the stapler ever so slightly causing a staple to protrude from the mouth of the stapler but not fully click and release. Could I replicate this action on another part of my body! Time to test it out. I took the stapler in my right hand, opened 180 degrees so that nothing could block its mouth, and pressed it against my left index finger. I proceeded to follow the same steps I did when scratching the itch on my leg. I pressed down on the stapler ever so slightly, trying to push the staple just out of the mouth but not hard enough to click and…

*click*

I pressed too hard. The stapler pressed all the way down. I sat there in shock, unable to move the stapler and see for a fact that a staple was now lodged into my finger. A moment of panic washed over me as I worried that the staple folded over inside my finger (forgetting the metal indents on the bottom of a stapler are what cause it to fold over when stapling paper). As I covered the staple with the stapler, not seeing it inside my finger, I thought that maybe nothing had come out. There was a part of me telling myself I was not stupid enough to have just stapled my finger. But when I pulled the stapler away, there it was. A nice shiny metal stapler lodged inside my finger. I closed my eyes and yanked on the staple. Fortunately, the inside of my finger does not contain any metal indents designed to fold staples (that’s a good thing to know). It came right out leaving behind two tiny red puncture holes on the distal phalanx and middle phalanx of my left index finger. I have not tried to staple a body part since…

Stapler

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